Dyslexic LHC intern almost blows up known multiverse

LHC, switerzland -- Thomas Hunt, a dyslexic LHC inten, last saturday caused 1.5 million USD of damage to the facility by colliding potatoes traveling near the speed of light into one another.

Apparantly, the accident occured when Hunt misread a sign reading "particle accelerator" and thought it said "potato accelerator". Hunt claims that it was an "honest mistake" and affirmed that "1.5 million isn't that much..." when questioned by reporters.

While some LHC employees were obviously amused at the mishap, proudly wearing "potato accelerator" t-shirts and playing "hot radioactive potato", a comical, and often dangerous, version of the popular kid's game, most were not. "Not only did Hunt's stupidity cost The European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) over one million dollars, but it also endangered the lives of all on earth. Think of the catastrophe a 'potato hole' would create. It could destroy the known multiverse!" Head LHC Overseer, Paul McKimen said in a press release.

According to expert potato violation lawyer Doug Jeffrey, Hunt could receive up to 25 years in Swiss jail for 1 count of attempted multiverse destruction, 2 counts of plotting to accelerate potatoes, and 1 count of potato speeding.

European Science Finally Caves, Adopts American 'Foot'

The European Council of Science (ECOS) announced yesterday that they would be adopting the American 'foot' as the standard measurement unit.

"We've decided that we're tired of waiting for the Americans to catch up and switch to the metric system, so we're coming to them instead," said Dr. Dimitri Nivrad to reporters. "The metric system is overrated anyway. Nobody can remember all of those seemingly randomly named prefixes."

However the Europeans are going one step ahead of the Americans. In order to keep an absolute standard, the foot will not simply be used for measuring distance. It will replace every unit, including among others mass and time.

"You'll never again have to remember how many feet are in a mile. Or how many anythings are in another anything, for that matter. There will be just one unit – the foot."

Nivrad went on to explain the difficulties in the adoptation.

"Obviously there will be some issues in adopting the foot to these other uses," explained Nivrad. "In order to make time and distance truly equivalent, we are building a machine that will emit cosmic rays to make everything move at an appropriate speed. Now, while this technology may be centuries ahead of our understanding of science, we are not completely at a loss during the interim period. We are working on passing laws that will require everything to move at the same speed."

One example of something that would be affected by these laws that Nivrad gave was waterfalls, which would be dammed, and their water would be transported manually in buckets at an appropriate speed to the bottom.

"While sacrifices are made," said Nivrad, "They are worth, in my opinion, the fact that we will now finally have a universal standard of measurement."