European Science Finally Caves, Adopts American 'Foot'

The European Council of Science (ECOS) announced yesterday that they would be adopting the American 'foot' as the standard measurement unit.

"We've decided that we're tired of waiting for the Americans to catch up and switch to the metric system, so we're coming to them instead," said Dr. Dimitri Nivrad to reporters. "The metric system is overrated anyway. Nobody can remember all of those seemingly randomly named prefixes."

However the Europeans are going one step ahead of the Americans. In order to keep an absolute standard, the foot will not simply be used for measuring distance. It will replace every unit, including among others mass and time.

"You'll never again have to remember how many feet are in a mile. Or how many anythings are in another anything, for that matter. There will be just one unit – the foot."

Nivrad went on to explain the difficulties in the adoptation.

"Obviously there will be some issues in adopting the foot to these other uses," explained Nivrad. "In order to make time and distance truly equivalent, we are building a machine that will emit cosmic rays to make everything move at an appropriate speed. Now, while this technology may be centuries ahead of our understanding of science, we are not completely at a loss during the interim period. We are working on passing laws that will require everything to move at the same speed."

One example of something that would be affected by these laws that Nivrad gave was waterfalls, which would be dammed, and their water would be transported manually in buckets at an appropriate speed to the bottom.

"While sacrifices are made," said Nivrad, "They are worth, in my opinion, the fact that we will now finally have a universal standard of measurement."